8 Months Later

I changed my mind.

After the last post 8ish months ago (no longer there) I changed my mind. I'm not going to post here much more. I'm not going to update with the full plan for IVF. That has already passed. I'm not going to post on the transfer but that's only because that hasn't happened yet. I've decided I'm going to leave this here just like this for the last time.

In the last 8ish months we've been doing better.

I've been dealing with the loss as best as I can which at some points isn't that great but I'm learning to handle all of that. The anger has simmered down and now its just a tinge of sadness mixed with wonder. Its hard not to. IVF #2 was done and I didn't transfer. I'm working on me before I do. I want to work on my teeth beforehand as they love to act up during pregnancy. My body also likes to act up during pregnancy so I have to make sure I'm on meds long enough and I need to get back into my workout routine. I finally signed us up for a fun run (it's Harry Potter themed!) but forgot that Tx is hot as hell all day and all night right now so that whole training thing hasn't quite started back yet. I'm doing better though on the whole. I'm able to say that it's okay and actually mean it.

J is 7 and a half, has much more hair but still the sweetest heart. You can't really see his face here but there's the hair.

He's my smart, active, questioning, challenging child. There's something about this boy that manages to fill my whole heart. I can't think of a better way to say that I've needed him a good deal over the last year.

I'm enjoying the busy time that comes with having a school aged child even with the absence of public schooling. Having things to do, to learn, classes to attend only gets better as he gets older and the conversation grows. It's amazing what they pick up and even more so what comes out of their mouths. Even when it is a curse word or two occasionally.

We got to travel a bit over the last several months which has sparked an even bigger rush to get us on the go. I've been saving and planning but sure wasn't jumping then. This rush is, in part, why I wont be posting here. I've been putting it off but it's kind of a long story --

Back at the very beginning of August I had this dark cloud looming. It happens around the beginning the month as its a time when my daughter would have been growing a month older. It's a hard thing to pass and for some reason this month, I couldn't manage to pull myself out of it. And on my mom's birthday, no less. In the end she and I talked about my loss, her's, how to handle it and how to let more people in as I'm very private. SO. That had me deciding that when anything is to go down, I really do need to be supported and that involves the baby, our travels and all other things. The main part is letting my family in on us. Our public family blog/page is set up so they can keep up with us from this second travel start, this second child, this second go round. I wont be posting here in order to push away some of this privacy. Even where it comes to my girl (I'm not yet there but getting there). In the coming months, I'll be transferring my three remaining embryos then applying for adoption if needed and I'll need support there too.

So travel -


 This was incredible to stand near:

Chicago was beautiful.

My mom went along with us but all planning, everything, was up to me as it was our trip. I got comfortable pretty quickly navigating a new city which is always encouraging for me. We hit the free zoo, museums, restaurants for a pizza taste test, a few little odd sites here and there. There's a lot to do there that doesn't cost much. This photo was of course a highlight. Cloud Gate is really something up close. Huge.

We compared it to Cloud Column the other week which you really can't on size alone but still worth seeing.

I took the day off for this one (we had other important things to take care of like reading glasses for the boy. Big change!!) but wished I could walk around like that, looking at the interesting stops, all the time without a 9-5. It's a privilege to be able to live that way or for me to even consider it really.  I do need to work though. With IVF and other bills now, its a must that I work so I can't just throw it all off exactly but its also a must that I allow us a little bit of a chance to shift and make a variation of that happen again. I'm feeling super blessed on that end.

I'm deciding on the how a little more than the when now. I was thinking of spending all we're saving on a trip starting with Iceland and just keep going. The jump across is the main part that stops me because its a big step and I know me. Travel makes me anxious so the first day or two is spent literally wanting to come home where things are familiar. Every time. Once I pass that point, its good, very good. So there's my hold up now. I could just do a US trip but I don't want to 'waste' what I have on that. So trying to figure out how to do both, when to do which, and starting where.

I haven't decided on the house thing after all this time. I still go back and forth on not having one at all, buying a trailer that stays stationary or buying a house summer of next year. That last one is a bit more likely. At least I have time to work on my indecisiveness. What else is new though?

But there it is. I tried to close up any loose ends here on this blog and I think that's all I want to say to end this. My priorities are still much the same. J, second child coming soon, travel plans in the works forever and now blogging openly. I guess nothing much has really changed, huh? That's okay. It will soon enough. I do mean it.

If anyone needs to, feel free to email.
esgblog (at) gmail (dot) com