He Wont Remember You

Is it naive of me to assume that J will remember me here with him?

I had yet another conversation with my aunt P over the weekend in which my line of work was insulted. That and my decision to work as I do in order to stay home.

For so many years this aunt has wanted and pushed for me to become a teacher and every year I turn her down. I taught dance and though it is a completely different way of teaching, its all just not for me. P works in the mental health field and has recently decided that she needs new and different work so teaching is her go to option. For the both of us according to her.

We were talking about the good and the bad of my job and believe me, I'll be the first to cop up to the bad.

 It's a job and not career. There is no room for promotion cause it just isn't that type of job. That's the bad. The good? I don't want a promotion. I don't actually like to work and being independently wealthy for something that can be sold on QVC is a total dream of mine. I'll invent the next great salad bowl or something, sell it for millions and do nothing forever. I don't want more work than I already have unless its better work with the same hours with more pay. But who doesn't?

My pay varies based on work. Thankfully its not too big of an amount. That's the good. My mortgage and our costs are covered yet I'm making little more than half of what I was making pre-baby. For one of us that's okay. For the other, I need to be a teacher. She says "find a real job".

And so on.

The hours suck to her, I use more gas money than I should ( I do) and the big one, the clincher, the reason why the bad doesn't suck up all the good with a big fat sucking straw is that I'm a semi-stay- at- home mom in my own mind.

You would think she'd be all like, "that's good. You're single, stay home and raise your child while he's little, while you can" but no she says "he wont remember you anyway."

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

I wanted to tear up.

I don't hate my job, I think I'm rather neutral right now, but I wake up every night just after midnight thinking about how I don't want to go, don't want to put him in his crib and zip him in or take my teary-eyed babe down to his aunt. What mom doesn't hate to walk out the door without their little one in tow? But then I wake up after getting home and there's that curly haired boy ready to climb off the bed to go play and I can go, climb out of bed and play with him.

He wont remember it? Should I really believe it?

I'm okay with my work being verbally torn up from the floor up, its just a job. It's not my life's work, its not something I'm putting my heart into though I do my job, its a job but to hear from a mother of a 25 year old who should know, that my child wont remember me or this year... well I'm just not sure anymore.

Was it really just a kick to get me to succumb to all the pressure she's been putting on about this teacher's certification? Does she really think that?

Well, I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I like to think that he'll remember me home just like he seems to remember other things, other people. I don't think he'll remember the little things like the snacks I give him, or every time I take him for a walk, every time we sing a song but he'll remember me. Why wouldn't he?

 I do know that being a teacher isn't for me anymore and the first chance I get to sell something useless for millions, I'm totally on it. 

Happiness is...

Where you are right now.

Happiness is where you are right now.

I had my financial class tonight. Every Tuesday, a couple hours away to handle my bizness (or at least attempt to get a better handle on said bizness) and then back home I go. I have a years long love for a Mr Dave Ramsey which makes it easy to drag myself to and sit through. He makes good points and tonight he made one that wasn't particularly new to me but its one of those that, you know, have to click in every few years I guess.

Happiness is where you are (in life) right now.

Right now is a day where I made the effort to take my multivitamin, drink water. I didn't clean a thing today as planned but managed to get the boy down for a long nap beside me. At the worst time I noticed my jeans were dirty on the knees and my nose is peeling. I have a migraine, work in a few hours and a son who wouldn't eat properly today.

Right now I'm not as organized, not as healthy. I'm not pain free enough for my peace of mind and that new pain in my ribs, I should get it checked out. I'm not pregnant again or even close to trying but boy were my brown eyes green today.

Right now my tax refund would look great in my bank account or heck, at least knowing how much it will be could set some peace rolling in my mind.

J's sippy will stink tomorrow. I forgot to get it from wherever he put it and wash out the orange juice. My keys are MIA, my thumb is throbbing from slamming it in the trunk and tomorrow will be an early morning, up for 9 even though I won't sleep till after 5.

Happiness is where I am right now and right now I can't pick and choose the good from the bad of these. Chewing on J's thighs to make him giggle feels better than my stuffed nose, migraine and the knowledge that I'll be missing my bed before I'm able to get back to it. The giggling screams happiness of course but both of these are right now (well kinda, cause he's sleeping now).

Right now is more than a moment and it's more than just being happy, having that happiness. It's me choosing right now, today, the situation and accepting it fully. That leads to happiness. I could use some. It may not be the happiest day of my life but it's a happier place than living with my mind on the future, focusing on what i don't have, what would be better, what may not come true (shout out to Endo and my dream of relief).

Happiness is where I am right now...

And even though I'm not always happy with where I am, I am happy to be in it.

My Birthday In $30 Or Less

I can't remember if my original goal was $50 but either way I only spent around $7 and that's not counting a rebate for $3.99.

I wore the shirt my sister bought me and the shoes I got myself for my birthday with the JCP credit. I'm glad I got them when I did. The price just went up (I had to exchange them for a smaller size) and I wouldn't have been able to get them. They were free but wouldn't have been otherwise.

We went to Ihop to start off the day. My meal was free and I wasn't charged for J's orange juice. Tomorrow is free pancake day so we may head back and spend more this time.

Afterwards, M and I walked in World Market where I was able to get a free scarf with the birthday gift they give. It's really cute but I don't have a picture of it. Its not my usual dark/white/purple. It's this green that I can't describe but I like it. I saw one with camels that I plan to go back and get eventually.

I picked up dinner from Jason's Deli (do they have those elsewhere?) and with the $5 off they give for your birthday, I spent a little over $2 for half a sandwich, cup of soup, chips, a pickle for J and got a free cookie for doing a survey. I've been into broccoli and cheese soup and croissants lately. No idea why.

We stopped and picked up a movie using a code. I hope its good. I think its called The Art of Getting By or something like that. We wanted X-Men but we have no blueray player. Bummer.

I picked up a small bit of ice cream in a flavor I never get. Snickers.

After dropping the family off, I walked in CVS trying to get rid of Extracare bucks and a coupon that was expiring the same day. I ended up spending a little more than $4 for a face mask that had a $3.99 rebate, stuff to hang my cameras up and this pumpkin growing kit for the boy to be used in April/May so we can have them for fall.

My sisters talked me into heading to an event at the mall last night which scored me a free tee and almost scored me free warmup pants had I let my sister buy them for me.

I have two pastry coupons left to use and a birthday card from my aunt to pick up this week and that will be it for the birthday roundup this year for the both of us. It's really cool what companies give out for your birthday. Totally helps me to keep from using a lot of money but still lets me have a good time. J got a coupon for Toys R Us today for his birthday that I can't wait to use. Not sure on what but walking in the store is fun with him so I may let him grab something on his own.

Today I finally worked on my taxes and now I'm going to go blow my nose. I've been doing a lot of that lately. Fun fun. Jetters was under the weather today but fine now. He has a tooth in front still coming in and I think his first molar is kicking his butt. I didn't get as much done even after leaving and sitting in my car making phone calls. Maybe I can jump on the productivity train before the night is over but I'm really not expecting more than to go another hour without too much sneezing. I'll take that too.

Oh! My cousin's first child was born today so J has another cousin near his age! I love being so close in age to my cousins. We also have a new little someone out of state to visit which will be perfect in half a year at least. I signed us on for a camp out at the beach so I'm definitely making plans to get us up and out of here this year and the next. Exciting stuff.

Off to blow my nose!

Today and Toddler J

I bought a few different types of drinks in preparation for the end of our nursing time. I don't see it coming to an end just, just yet but a taste test is in the works for this weekend. Almond, Rice, Coconut, Goat are the milks and Horchata which is pretty tasty. I wont make this one his daily drink even though this one doesn't have as much sugar as it could have but I thought it would be fun to throw that in there.

The goat milk is ultra pasteurized unlike the kind that I would get from the farm co-op. I'll see which one(s) is the winner before doing that since that's an extra expense for something I may not drink myself. I can't see myself wanting to drink it but I'll try them as well. Maybe we'll have a new favorite here.

...

J has a new (read: very new, today new) fascination with the toilet. We forgot the door open and the glue gun
from the party supply bag, got a bath. I walked in and he honestly looked like he was fishing with it. That's an expense I hadn't planned.

He turned around and climbed down the stairs. Usually we let him climb up but never down. I shouldn't be surprised though. He climbs down the bed, the couch, chairs. He's also busting out with new things daily.

 He’s coming out with more signs with ‘please’ being the latest. He sometimes seems to combine it with ‘thank you’ by rubbing at his mouth where the sign ‘thank you’ is instead of at his tummy. He knows where his tummy and his head is and will wipe his mouth when I tell him to which he did so well after dinner today. If only he could do the same for his hands!

I'm constantly wiping them clean. He touches so many things that it reminds me of that commercial that just repeated the word Touch to show what all this woman touched all day. Touch. Touch. Touch. If I recreated it, it would be never-ending, I'm sure.

Like a big boy, he picked up sticks on our walk and stooped down (when he's already so low!) and played on the ground with it. He chased down the leaves when they took off down the street. He likes to throw the rocks he finds. Dirty hands. Happy hands but dirty hands.

It surprises me so much, what all he can do, that I kept commenting on how much of a big boy he is. It has really been a  surprise to me today. I'm enjoying this stage but it comes with (well for just a little bit today) the desire to try again sooner than planned. I saw pregnant women all morning when I brought my mom to the chiropractor. The fact that they had toddlers and still had an ease about them (in looks only of course) made it that much worse.

Cluck.

I'm sticking to my plan at least for right now (have debt, no baby/no debt, have baby) but seeing J cuddle his baby doll (he has his own little baby now!) and how sweet he was to the baby at his party eases some worries that could pop up later on when my pregnant, hormonal mind gets going.

But I'm tired and its just a little scary how dirty my current child is right now *touch touch touch* (complete with a makeup mustache courtesy of his aunt K just to make it that much better) so I'm off to finish the day and get homeboy in the shower and to sleep.

J's Storybook First Birthday Party

This past Saturday, we had J's first birthday party.
As mentioned here, I am so thankful for the kindness of everyone that attended.

 I started planning the party a little while ago but right in the middle of my planning, I committed to a NoSpend January Challenge in which I couldn't spend on anything besides the essentials. Party stuff? Honestly? Not essential even though I wanted him to have a party and a good one at that.

Does that sound right?

Anyway, with no money available to spend at first, I decided to post on Freecycle for decorations that anyone might have left over. I mentioned my theme (storybook) and ended up with Winnie The Pooh items and best of all, I ended up with the entertainment for the party!

I got an email from a woman who teams up with her daughter and paints faces for a living. She offered to come to the party and paint faces for free. What a major blessing she was!!

The children loved her, we adults got our faces painted, her work was beautiful and even with more work popping up the same day, she showed up and stayed a long while.

J got a crown painted on for The Little Prince while I stuck with a nice purple and glitter design around my eyes. I don't have the pictures on the computer but very pretty. We all posed quite a bit.

Besides that, my family pitched in quite a bit to help me with the party.

My aunt let me take over her house for the day. My house is a bit smaller so she thankfully opened her door to loud, running children, squealing and sometimes crying babies, and chatty adults. And food. Food on just about every surface.

Here's the rundown:

Green Eggs and Ham Quiche

 The quiche that I planned to make for one of our meals, I made for the party. I don't know if the farm eggs did it, but I got so many compliments on it and I didn't even use a recipe this time. I ended up making it twice cause it was gone so quickly.

Cloudy With A Chance of...Meatballs

 I found the recipe for the meatballs from the allrecipes App the night before. It's called Meatballs Nirvanna. Very tasty. My sister made them for me cause I was running around a bit too much to do it.

Colorful Bowtie Pasta with light olive oil dressing

Peter Rabbit cups of veggies (carrots and celery with Ranch)

I saw the cup of veggies on Pinterest and decided to use it for Peter Rabbit.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar's fruit

   Fruit spears and water with fruit in it. The idea that I saw on pinterest to use juice in ice cubes didn't happen as planned so I put fruit in the water instead.
Sorry for the blurred picture. They're from my cell phone.

Humpty Dumpty Brownies in eggshells

Not a very good picture. It doesn't help that the brownies didn't come out quite as well. I was thinking of not using them at the last moment but we all know the nursery rhyme. Humpty had a great fall and all his pieces couldn't be put together. Fitting since the shells broke.

The kiddos loved cracking them open.

This is what they should look like:

Lol! Mine could have had they been turned over and not broken.

There was also chicken salad sandwiches (which I should have put with Chicken Little!!) and chicken wings. My aunt's contribution to the party.

The cake was a homemade stack of three books. On top the first it said "One Upon..." and on the spine it said "A time". The second spine said "they lived" and the last said "happily ever after". 

For favors, we had pink chocolate pig nose pops for The 3 Little Pigs. They were great and big enough that when you hold them up, they cover your real nose.

As for the other things, the banner was pictures of J throughout the past year, a calendar for sign in and birthdays ( cute pinterest idea) and also a jar for birthday wishes for the birthday boy.

J ended up with a lot of goodies.

My mom and sister bought him a playhouse and a swing set. We put the swing set together today:

And of course it comes out turned. I took it right after he was fussing from being left inside with his aunts.

 My family did so much the day of the party. My little sister helped with all the food as I was busy with the cake, the quiche, the pasta, the baby, she helped me grocery shop the night before, my aunt with her house and the extra food, my older sister and mom with the little extras like picking up the calendar, putting up the banner, buying him the playhouse and set, taking pictures, keeping him entertained. The list just goes on.

It was better than great. I had a great time, got so many compliments on the food, and was just completely blessed over and over with kindness. I'm already planning party number 2. I'm excited to get it set so the next time it will be even more relaxed for me.

This weekend, I'm going to do a little bit for my birthday. I signed up for birthday offers and coupons from various places last year so I am determined to use them all this year. Last year at this time I was still spending most of the day in the bed and couldn't so this year, I'm getting out a little bit. My goal is to do as much as I can on 30 dollars or less which should be easy cause that's all my budget. No party or anything. Just an outing or two.

Tonight I have some ice cream to eat and some cleaning to catch up on. We were all sick with a quick bug yesterday except for J so I got nothing done. I don't really want to do anything now but I might try before we head to bed.

Happy Birthday To Us

J's birthday was on the tenth but we had his party this past weekend.
It was great. I'll update with pictures later since my computer is dying now but it was great.

I am completely surprised by how sweet people are. It was a blessing but more on that when I have the chance.

My birthday was/is today but I'm celebrating a little bit some other time. My little sister did take me clothes shopping and we grabbed up an arm full (each) of junk food on the way home but for the most part, later.

Besides a dying computer as the reason for the lack of a longer update (edit: now dead, hello phone) I'm exhausted and a little achy.

J had something going on where he would not keep anything down for not even 12 hours. I got home from work around 5:30 Monday morning and he was spitting up breast milk for 6. I ended up not sleeping much and neither did he. He's well, thank God, but the lack of sleep seems to carry itself down the line.

I'll live.

I'm achy cause ol' boy didn't want to nurse earlier leaving me way too engorged. He has such a one track mind that he must do something right at that moment and he won't rest till its done. Ouch.

I didn't imagine I'd be getting this engorged on both sides after a year. My cousin asked if there was even anything left in my boobs after so long. Um, well guess that's a yes not that I've had any doubts.

Anyway,
Today's cute moment is brought to you by the doll in the chiropractor's office that I had to wipe down cause j left wet kisses everywhere.

I have to get him a baby now. He gave her kisses and after I took her, hugged her and patted her bottom, he took her and did the same. He even rubbed her head after I rubbed his head. So sweet! He's nice to his toys but this was just too sweet.

So, birthdays. Tons of fun and totally tiring.

Happy Valentine's Day

In Korea, the 14th of every month is celebrated and this month, women give chocolate to the man in their life. I do have a man in my life but I didn't get him any dark sweets.

 Instead, I gave him heart shaped cookies!

 We started off food week a day late but in the sweetest style. Baking!

J did like 45% of the work, I swear. Keeping me entertained in the kitchen is a very important job.

For Valentine's last year, my cousin brought Jett his first little Valentine and my first as a new mom.

 I think these will be great for us to share with her this year.

 Happy Valentine's!

Home Sweet Farm Tour

Sunday was the farm tour I mentioned before.

I got home at 8AM and so, of course, we overslept. I meant to be up by 10 but my eyes didn't pop open till after 11:45AM. After a trip to the ATM and the gas station, we were finally on the way there. It was our first little road trip that wasn't aimed at visiting family out of town and it was great.

We got to the farm right on time, like right, exactly on time at 2PM and the family that owns it was super sweet introducing themselves to every person, big and small, in the crowd. They were expecting over 40 families.

To make a long story short, we walked around looking at their berries, their new irrigation system, the cows, the horses, the chickens. I loved it. 

I didn't get very many pictures. The toddler in J started wanting to walk and not be held. At. All. A short, walking kid plus a large-ish crowd equals not happening without me down there trying  to keep him close so of course my chicken photo looked like this:

 

The trip confirmed a few things for me:

* I really want to do something like this. Own a lot of land, a few animals, some chickens, vegetables, fruits and just live. I'd like to be able to provide the basics (or well have land that provides the basics). They keep everything small and make enough money to not have to do much else, it seems.  I don't own enough land right now but I've always wanted to. I started thinking about my 5 year plan and I definitely see moving, more land, more animals, more vegetables in my life in a few years.

* I still want chickens.

*Real, basic foods can be interesting. Purple carrots, blue potatoes. I didn't grow up thinking basic food was interesting in any way or that it was more than just to eat. With J being a big eater from his first bite, I'm seeing it all differently.

* TX weather really, truly can’t make up its mind. It looked warm out the car window but was freezing and it starting hailing out of nowhere.

* We should travel more. J did very well in the car for the near two hour drive. I loved it too. Packing up the car, the planning, getting out on the road. So exciting. I'm thinking we need to we will do more of that soon.

So at the end of the tour, we got a nice bag of veggies to take home. Purple carrots, cauliflower, Daikon radish, lettuce, cabbage. What else?

Jett liked the carrots most but I think that was cause it was the main thing he could hold.

We got eggs as well. I overheard someone say to look out for double yolks too. They get them sometimes.

I have a few recipes that I'm going to try this week with the veggies.

They are mini-frittatas found on pinterest, ham and cheese quiche that I need to remember how to make, lettuce and chicken wraps from Epicurious, cole slaw that I'm going to attempt to make since J liked it (I never have but I tried it and its okay). I have to figure out what else to make but I'll start with those. I hope they turn out tasty!

02/10/11 vs 02/10/12

                                                                  Birthday boy:

2/10/11

 

 

 

2/10/12

 

 

                                                                       Bed time:

He slept in the basket quite a bit 2/10/11

toddler bed 2/10/12

                                                            
                                                                          Cake:

2/10/11

2/10/12

 

 

                                                           What I was doing at 8AM:

Contraction/pressure wave log 2/10/11 (before I turned on contraction master!)

Filling the room and hanging around balloons 2/10/12

                                                   
                                                                        Diaper duty:

Preemie sized 2/10/11 to big boy booty sized 2/10/12

                                                                 
                                                                           Clothes:

first real outfit (taken the day he could no longer fit it - sentimental me)

2/10/12 complete with cupcake frosting stains

                                           

Big changes, of course. It will be interesting to see the differences next year too.

Birthday Boy!

I also like to call this 'There's An App For That'

With my camera upstairs, a full memory card, an Instagram app and a birthday weekend, this is what I ended up with.

Babe's birthday 2012 and our Saturday

Birthday Bedhead

Woke him up to balloons in the play/living room

His cousins brought him a birthday toy

Newest nickname: DJ Jetty Fresh

Cupcake! He loved it.

Inside a cupcake. They were all different designs.

At bedtime, we chatted about the day he was born. How completely unready I was, how fast he was and contractions in the car on the highway. I told him about his nurses and how great they were to us. How he used to like sleeping on my chest and did for the longest time but now he's too big and busy for that.

He listened, I think, lol! 

 His birthday party is next weekend. I'm excited!

Today:

My mom gave him her old PSP. He's watching Toy Story II. Grinning the whole time.

              We took a walk/fell down the driveway. He's getting better and better and faster and faster! 

I hope the video works even though i hate my super annoying voice!

Playtime at the park. He giggled so much!

 Happy birth day, honey. I hope your weekend has so far been as sweet and special as mine has been.

 Love you, my Jetty