He Wont Remember You

Is it naive of me to assume that J will remember me here with him?

I had yet another conversation with my aunt P over the weekend in which my line of work was insulted. That and my decision to work as I do in order to stay home.

For so many years this aunt has wanted and pushed for me to become a teacher and every year I turn her down. I taught dance and though it is a completely different way of teaching, its all just not for me. P works in the mental health field and has recently decided that she needs new and different work so teaching is her go to option. For the both of us according to her.

We were talking about the good and the bad of my job and believe me, I'll be the first to cop up to the bad.

 It's a job and not career. There is no room for promotion cause it just isn't that type of job. That's the bad. The good? I don't want a promotion. I don't actually like to work and being independently wealthy for something that can be sold on QVC is a total dream of mine. I'll invent the next great salad bowl or something, sell it for millions and do nothing forever. I don't want more work than I already have unless its better work with the same hours with more pay. But who doesn't?

My pay varies based on work. Thankfully its not too big of an amount. That's the good. My mortgage and our costs are covered yet I'm making little more than half of what I was making pre-baby. For one of us that's okay. For the other, I need to be a teacher. She says "find a real job".

And so on.

The hours suck to her, I use more gas money than I should ( I do) and the big one, the clincher, the reason why the bad doesn't suck up all the good with a big fat sucking straw is that I'm a semi-stay- at- home mom in my own mind.

You would think she'd be all like, "that's good. You're single, stay home and raise your child while he's little, while you can" but no she says "he wont remember you anyway."

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

I wanted to tear up.

I don't hate my job, I think I'm rather neutral right now, but I wake up every night just after midnight thinking about how I don't want to go, don't want to put him in his crib and zip him in or take my teary-eyed babe down to his aunt. What mom doesn't hate to walk out the door without their little one in tow? But then I wake up after getting home and there's that curly haired boy ready to climb off the bed to go play and I can go, climb out of bed and play with him.

He wont remember it? Should I really believe it?

I'm okay with my work being verbally torn up from the floor up, its just a job. It's not my life's work, its not something I'm putting my heart into though I do my job, its a job but to hear from a mother of a 25 year old who should know, that my child wont remember me or this year... well I'm just not sure anymore.

Was it really just a kick to get me to succumb to all the pressure she's been putting on about this teacher's certification? Does she really think that?

Well, I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I like to think that he'll remember me home just like he seems to remember other things, other people. I don't think he'll remember the little things like the snacks I give him, or every time I take him for a walk, every time we sing a song but he'll remember me. Why wouldn't he?

 I do know that being a teacher isn't for me anymore and the first chance I get to sell something useless for millions, I'm totally on it.