I'm a loser (mom), baby

We were walking through Target yesterday when my heart started to hurt a little bit. Ugh. I couldn't stop myself. Christmas shopping took an ugly turn and the store isles just became too much to deal with. All the toys were going to fall off the shelves and crush me and my wallet and my plans for a joyous, not truly gift focused holiday.

And so I began to feel like something of a loser mom.

I went there with two things in mind: Find him a new Christmas book (I didn't) and get his piano toy cause I knew he would love it and this is how I knew:

A few weeks ago I went to a music shop/studio in walking distance of home thinking about how nice it will be in the future to walk him to lessons, to walk myself to lessons, to share my interest in learning music and playing instruments with him. Ok so that has nothing to do with how I knew but still. In Target not long after, I gave him a few different toys to play around with while we walked. He liked the piano most of all and then last Wednesday, he kinda made me feel like that short walk to lessons really could happen. Like if he continues to love his piano as much as he does now it might just be possible.

My friends own a piano. He constantly eyed it while we were visiting Wednesday, crawled over to it like any child would to the biggest thing in the room and so we let him play it. J doesn't have a long attention span. I think its even half of what a baby's attention span is. He's constantly moving but we got a video of him banging away for at least 5 minutes with every minute looking just as exciting to him as the first. He owns musical instruments but I guess its something about the piano that he likes beyond its newness.

Back to Target yesterday, I put the piano in his lap and he played with it. I searched the isles trying to figure out what else to get him, something inexpensive but still good. I wondered what my relatives would think if I stopped there with just one toy and they bought him more. How I would explain the little things and the lack of big things, the 12 days and making it all up for us. Torturing myself. I kept asking my mom and sisters what they thought and mom responded by taking the piano from his lap so I could watch Jett throw an immediate tantrum and pout. I let it go though it wasn't enough for me to just get one thing, realized that really and truly I can't afford it all, picked up some black and white trail mix (known as crack in our house lately) and went to the grocery store.

 (This is what shopping does to me at this time of year. It reminds me that I don't have enough, not nearly as much as I would like. That when he gets older, if money still isn't pouring in and chances are it wont be, that I may have to explain to him why he doesn't get as good as his friends and even his relatives do and our relatives do. As a kid, I remember deciding that I hated our holiday get together preferring our Christmas at home since I spent so much time watching my other cousins pass around tons of gifts that didn't have my name on any one of them. Our Christmas just has to be different and different is still good, right?)

While at the grocery store, I perused the Christmas isle. My holiday habit, drawn like a magnet. The greatest thing was spotting a toy I saw at Target for nearly 12 bucks and seeing it marked down to 8. Great but not in my price range till I remembered I had a $5.00 off coupon for Fisher Price! It didn't mean much in Target especially when I was looking at 30 dollar toys (aside from a loved 20 dollar toy) but in the grocery store, I couldn't pass up a three dollar buy. That I can afford.

 I mean really. I work in a dance studio and throw newspapers. I love my work, I even use my degree. I make enough to pay the bills most of the time, and I'm blessed to have all day at home but I don't have the extras that the holidays seem to be calling for right now as the big day approaches. I am blessed to get tips from customers (makes checking the mail a very happy event lately) but everything has to go somewhere before it can be spent on just anything. My first bunch of tips went towards a mortgage payment so my last check of the year can be spent in a more relaxed way and if I'm blessed with more, it will go towards our other needs and some smaller Christmas things. I hope he understands what I'm trying to do for us. I just want to ease it all a little bit.

12 days of Christmas might do it besides giving us reading time, teaching him about St Nick, and all the little wordly traditions. I give him 12 little things and one larger thing. (Side note below) I've given him 6 little things already with yesterday's being the little toy from the grocery store and today his first stocking that I made for him. He loves his toy more than I thought he would, even crawled to it first thing this morning so I feel like I did good with that. I have little PJs for Saturday that were handmedowns but have a gingerbread man on them, some baby legs to make for Friday, I bought him a holiday plate for one day, a little snowman straw cup from a dollar rack since he loves drinking from my straws and I can't remember what else but maybe a gift a day will give him something he can be proud of and can show his cousins when he gets older.  

I'm saving his piano for Sunday morning. I have no doubt he'll love that. He's ten months old, I have to remind myself. He's happy with nothing and the fact that he even shares my interest in pianos (or at least in being a noisemaker) is enough for me. It really is. I worry about how it all looks to outsiders and to him later but it will be enough for us. My mom and sisters get it. They like the idea. I can't buy my sister the Coldplay tickets she wants but I can take care of that library fine since she keeps forgetting to return her library books. I can take holiday photos for my older sister since she keeps talking about taking pictures. My mom is only getting one thing since she keeps talking about it so the three of us went in on her gift. Different can be good. 

First, tidbits:

All the holiday singing has paid off, I guess. We were walking around some store that I can't even remember and J started singing to We Wish You A Merry Christmas. High pitched, wailing and just loving it. He also likes Mariah Carrey singing Christmas music too. I like to push the little button in Target where the CDs are and watch his head spin around and him start to squeal and clap. 

J met Santa on Saturday and wasn't impressed. I took a photo that I'll upload soon. I have one more photo opportunity for him and maybe he'll react better. I went to one cause we were in that part of town but this next one is so his aunts can be there with him, if we get to make it there that is.

Last night, J became just a little bit more adventurous. His favorite song was being sung on Mnet so he stood up clapping and bouncing for a good while. He learned that you cannot throw your head back when you really don't have the greatest balance but it didn't stop him. He climbed onto the couch from standing when it used to take him standing on something else  to get there and he took a step towards me! Awesome! It's a matter of time now I'm being told. Once he gets something in his mind, he is all about it and walking may very well be in there!

So, the sidenote. 

  I think I'm lining my self up for a special holiday eye roll from a few choice relatives. For Christmas, M mentioned that our tradition looks similar to that of Hanukkah minus the meaning among other things due to the days of gifts. Latkes are not strangers in our house (cause they are just all around tasty) but of course neither is Jesus though I don't think I can raise J to really believe we're celebrating the birth of Jesus in the winter or the secret gift giving of a real Santa Clause. I think celebrating the conception sounds cooler (cooler may not be the best word here!) when you look at the length of days, Biblical meanings and all that. I do like Santa Clause and all the worldly versions of him but I wont take it very far. Mama gives gifts, family gives gifts. Santa is fun to play around with but of course that all wont go over well with the ones who either already think we're odd or still like to put from Santa on my gift.

When asked about only buying him one main Christmas gift, I'll reply with my thoughts on our 12 and this is what I'm sure to get in return:

....*eye roll* ....

and maybe something about making it hard on us, how odd we are, or something but at least I'm happy with us, right? Well  I am when I'm not reminded of my finances taking its sweet time to right itself. Generally, its a happy holiday season that I am thankful for and with that I'm off to check the mail in hopes that a few bonus checks are waiting there.