New Years

I've always liked making resolutions and trying to keep them but have never liked the year passing. At the stroke of midnight, I tend to get nervous, to get antsy. I hate to start a new year. Something about the first day or two.

It reminds me of time passing by too quickly. Sure, next year will come with its own victories and its own faults as this one did. There may be other opportunities missed, moments that pass too quickly, not quickly enough and things I could say but wont. Maybe I'll regret those or I may not but when the clock hits midnight next year, I can only imagine that I'll be back to the same old habit of wishing it would just hold still a little bit longer.  For what reason? I don't really know. Maybe to give me a chance to catch up and wrap my head around everything that has quickly become the past.

This year I'm feeling it a little bit but in other ways I'm wishing this holiday would move quicker out of the present. I'm looking forward to the end of January, the end of February and the time when the new year feels old. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle reminiscing about all the good and the hard times I've had this year and dreading all the change of next year.

I'm thankful for another year, thankful for the newness and the little love to come and the lessons I'm sure to learn. I'm thankful for the strength I know I'll need for the return of Endo and the knowledge I'll need to handle it all. Even though starting a new year gets me nervous, I am thankful, blessed and happy to get another one.

New Years Resolutions

I'm one of those people who likes to write up goals at the start of the year. I like to see if I'll keep them. Most of the time they hang around a good while but sometimes they don't. They just stop being important and I let them go. They almost always stay in the same areas though. Nothing major.

My resolutions this time around are really simple ones that I think I can maintain. There's only 5 with some little extras thrown in.

1- budget.
I already do but this time I'll be more determined to stick to it to a 'T'. On top of that, I'll get even better at couponing, stockpiling, and keeping more money in the house. This is a major one. I have my blog to get back to working on (http://thriftysinglemama.blogspot.com/) which should help to keep me motivated.

2- walk.
I'm not making a heavy exercise routine like I've done before. I don't know how my body will be post baby and pre-Endo symptoms (if I can even say it like that) so I'm just going to leave it at walking on the weekends. If I throw in some yoga or pilates, great but not planning it at all.

3- cook
I'm going to get better at cooking at home. I was gluten free before I got pregnant, I ate better, I felt better so I know that's a direction I need to go back in. I also want to make sure Jett eats well so I better start eating better so he can see it on a regular basis. Cooking, monthly menu plans, those are musts.

4- work
I'm a certifying doula. I've been saying that longer than I'd like to. I haven't finished but this next year, I will. Not only that but I'm going to try my hardest to work on the side projects that make me happy and could one day make me some money. After maternity leave ends, I'm on my own. I'm kind of excited. I just need to get my butt in gear.

5- home
I need to be more organized, need to handle things as soon as possible, need to cut the clutter, need to simplify. That's the goal for the year and not my goal to do before the start of the year. I'd like to cut out a bunch of junk right now before Jett comes but that may be a bit more than I can do right now.

My little extras are just for fun.
 
I want to dance again, want to read more books, want to take more photos, take more time to relax and sit around. I also want to learn something new and at the moment, it's cake making. Maybe I've been watching too many of those shows lately but I want to make cakes with fondant and pretty flowers and glittery decorations. We'll see how that turns out but for the most part, I want pick up a hobby that I can get into for fun or even get into ones from before.

I think I'm going to like the new year. I'm thinking I'll make changes to the blog, start another 101 in 1001 list, cut out personal life clutter and just start new establishing better habits and hobbies.
Hopefully these resolutions will hang around.

Tomorrow, I have a half day of work and then I'm off on Friday to celebrate the new year. I don't actually have plans but its so nice to have an off day again!

Yay for the new year starting off great!

Madonna Moms

I had no idea we had a title. Madonna Moms. Wow. Is there a local group or chapter I could join? A bumper sticker? Anything? I'm intrigued.

I was reading an article on a site when I saw a link talking about virgin births and controversy. With the holiday season slowly making its way out of sight, I could see the reason for just one more take, one more thought on the subject.

The story of Jesus' conception and his birth among animals in a manger is the true reason for the season according to Christians and Mary, mother of Jesus, is the original virgin mother. Of course the story is far, far more grand than that but the main point the article stuck to was the immaculate conception of then and virgin mothers now. What I wasn't expecting was a history lesson of a woman who was among the first to conceive as a virgin in the 90's. I hadn't heard anything about her.

Marilyn Wright conceived after 8 years of trying and gave birth to her son Jonas at 40. She was a virgin and thus one of the first Madonna Moms. According to the article, there are 14 million one parent households with that number growing steadily thanks to us SMCs. Very few of these households consist of a virgin mother. It's kind of interesting to be able to say that mine will be among the few. Never thought that would be the case.

The article goes on to talk about the stigma, the embarrassment, what other people might think and why these are the reason for us being so few in number. As a soon to be single mom by choice and now madonna mom, I have to say that personally that wasn't one of my concerns. I'm not really concerned about where other people put their organs and so didn't consider where mine hasn't been to have much weight on my decision to parent.

I've never run into problems concerning my virginity and the fact that I'm 8 months or so pregnant in addition to it. Reading this article, I realize the reason for the ease that I've faced may well be due to this woman I've never known. I intend to look her up as she is now someone I can relate to at least in this respect. I'm beginning to wonder what doors she opened up for me and also how she went on to raise her son.

The question of sex will pop up on my end as I'm sure (especially with all the public scrutiny) it has on her's. I have a clue how to handle the how and why and the when and the where but the other bits and answers to those questions elude me. How did she handle it?

I'm joking about the bumper sticker but not about meeting these women. I'd like to. Maybe one day I will but till then I'll continue to thank God that my sexual history has never been up to debate as Wright's has. It's only ever been whether or not I can support us and if I'm truly ready for a child. And maybe I should thank Ms Wright for that too. Without her virgin conception, who knows, I may never have been allowed to have mine.

I'll update with the link soon but right now, I'm on my phone and have a headache. Just wanted to quickly post this.
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One more day...

I have one more off day coming up and I am finally happy to say that I may give myself a rest.
I usually feel like I need to stuff as much as I can into the day when I know I have to work the next day but since today felt like a productive enough day, I don't feel the need to really do anything tomorrow.

I ran to Target as planned for stuff for Jett's Christmas next year. I ended up getting a little more than planned and so will have to adjust my budget but at least I didn't end up with items that I wont use. Since our fireplace has no mantle, I bought stocking hooks for the new stockings that we need to get. I got cupcake holders, cookie platter, table decorations, garland, decorative wrapping tape and hello kitty wrapping paper. We still need Christmas lights which may have to wait, we need a nice tree skirt, some garland for the tree, and more ornaments. Next year will have no choice but to not suck.

After that, I headed over to the Gap outlet and picked up a few sweaters for Jett. We have enough baby outfits. It was time for a few more big boy items. It's so odd to think that I'll have an 18 month old in a neat sweater but I'll take it. They sent out a BOGO coupon and I did not want to waste it. I was also only slightly jealous of the people in the Coach line waiting to get in for the sale they were having. I didn't even peek. Might make my hormonal butt cry of jealousy right there in the mall.Can't bend the budget that much, darn it!

I've been pretty tired most of today but I did manage to pull out my fussy sewing machine and sew a few things for Jett. Wash cloths, piddle pads, wet bag, moby,. Things I've been meaning to go ahead and work on. Finally just about all done with that side of the prep. I have two mobiles to finish, crib stuff to work on like bumpers and maybe sheets, a canvas project to plan out. I have no plans to do those tomorrow though.

I finished the most of my to do list today and will instead spend the day hanging out at home and planning for the baby shower at the most. My sister is/was the one throwing it but she wont actually work on it even though it has to be within the next month so I may get on that. Work will come all too soon and I'll be back to the grind like the holidays never happened. Might as well enjoy the time I have left by staying in my PJs as long as possible tomorrow even if I do end up working on someone else's work.

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas was definitely different this year.

With the heavy past week/month, we decided to forgo a lot of our usual traditions but ended up with a few more maybe better ones in their place.

We spent the night with my grandmother as planned. I do honestly have to say that last night sucked the most. The drive over wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be, my tailbone cooperated, but the time spent awake the first night was.

For the last week or so I've been hot. I thought it was my cold raising my temperature but no I'm just hotter now. My grandmother likes her heat on 78-80. I took off as much clothes as I could while trying to maintain some degree of modesty but I was to the point of sitting outside in the cold just to get some air. It was not good.

The couch and I didn't get along during the night and sweet Jett's hiccups made him as uncomfy as they did me. Neither of us was comfortable. Needless to say without further details, that will not be a new tradition. Sorry, granny. You know I love you but no.

M and I decided to cook a few things for the meal. She's usually one to bake (and is amazing at it) and I'll usually help on some random dish if at all but we took on a few side dishes that, with my mother jumping in to help, turned out great. The family enjoyed them! I'd like to keep up with that for sure.

We didn't do our usual games or passing around of gifts. It wasn't bad at all. It didn't seem to be missing. Instead we missed faces, relatives. Maybe we're getting old but we wanted to see all the people who weren't with us for Thanksgiving, not what gifts were for who. The gifts were secondary big time this year but being a goofy family we still had tons of laughs without the games, the Wii, that kind of thing.

Jett got a ton of love even from a nun relative that I wasn't sure knew or would know how to react to our situation. She prayed we'd have a safe delivery and made me smile. More than anything that is what Jett and I really want.

I had cousins daring Jett to kick and reveal his sex. Smart kid didn't move till all the hands were gone but mine. Rarely do I enjoy hands all over my belly as I do with family. The guessing game is still on with 'girl' taking the lead now. Big reveal coming up at the baby shower!

To finish out the evening, we visited my aunt A. She's out of the hospital and into a rehab center! Her goal is to start walking again and then she'll be back home. It was such a blessing to see her sitting up in a chair looking well. We all crowded into the room and you couldn't even tell it was meant for two families.
I pulled out my camera and got several shots that I'm going to email out soon.

We all agreed that next year will be different even though we enjoyed this year. We may not keep with the lack of gifts and games or we might but the biggest thing of all will be that next year it will feel like Christmas. This year lacked a major feeling that death and sickness took away but next year I'm praying it won't. It will be different.

I will surely have a reason for the urge to celebrate. I want to introduce Jett to Christmas as a fun, glittery celebration with stories of St. Nick and Bethlehem. I want pictures of my baby with Santa, near the decorated tree. I want my mom to be able to spoil him the way she told a relative she would today. I do for sure need to be ok with quick holiday plan changes (thanks for the comments on my last post!) but I also need to hold some space and time for a new tradition of my own.

I'm wanting to run to Target to take advantage of any holiday sales tomorrow so I can continue on with our holiday 2011 pile. This year was nice but next year will be great!
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I'm guessing soon/Christmas Change of Plans

It hasn't kicked in yet that Jett is coming. Or that I'm pregnant.

We exchanged gifts at work and I already knew that the gifts would be for Jett. I didn't want anything and so figured he should get if there's to be any getting. I gave my boss my registry as she requested and just waited to see what would be given. The funny thing with registries is that its not surprising that you're getting what you want but it is surprising to see what gift it is. There's still an element of surprise there though it can only be a handful of things.

The bag I was told I could open right then had a full grooming set from the registry and a soft sleeper as an extra. The box I was told to hold on to for Christmas, well I didn't hold on to it. We don't do that in my immediate family anyway so I don't feel too bad! A little sheepish but I couldn't help it! It was pretty!

Jetty now has an infant seat set up on the floor of our room. Our room. There's the first time I've said or written that. It's a soft little lamb seat like this one:

I intended to peek at the box but then I wanted to feel how soft it is. When I opened it, saw the pieces and how easy it looked to put together, I decided to try it. It was that easy and if I had any C batteries I'd be listening to the music or trying to feel the vibration. It matches our room beautifully.

Having the seat sitting in our cuddle corner honestly still isn't enough to really convince me that I'm having a baby. On a LiveJournal community the question of when came up today and I honestly don't think it will be until after he's here and in our room. It just hasn't reached me yet. 
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The rest of Christmas has changed now. My grandmother asked if we would spend the night tomorrow night, Christmas Eve. Her sister passed yesterday morning and I guess she needs the company, the support. We have other family around but it's almost always us who has to drop everything. There's a long story with that one too. Maybe I'll never explain it though.

We've never done that at this time of year. In so many years, we've never done that. We've always been in our house at Christmas even when Christmas wasn't really Christmas. This year, I was hoping to finally have a Christmas at home with the tree decorating and gift giving on Christmas Eve night then waking up and baking something, having the time to pick through my clothes for something to wear and then finally making the near two hour trip over to Granny's. Looks like we wont be back on track this year either. I'm just not happy about that now.

I'm being pretty selfish with this, I know, but I honestly don't want to go so soon. Since our second car is not working, I don't really have a choice but to go earlier and I'm none too happy about it. I ended up working an extra day this week (today) so my work holiday starts tomorrow, the day that we have to drive there. My mother wont want to leave late since she's driving my car so I'm pretty much out of luck for getting any extra rest or for getting anything else taken care of before Christmas. I would drive except for some reason my tailbone is bothering me and I'm not comfortable sitting. I drove there on Thanksgiving and aside from having a wiggling baby who didn't and still doesn't appreciate the seat belt, I was not okay sitting in that position for those hours. It's not long and I'm praying the route we take this time will be calm but my gosh, if there's one thing I'm dreading the most, that might be it.

I just imagine it will be much worse this time due to that then adding in the lack of internet, quiet rooms or a comfortable bed or couch once we're there. Reasons why we don't tend to go early. A hotel has never been in the question either. She wants us there right with her. I just want to loudly whine that I don't want to go right now, that I just want my own comforts, that I want to make up my own plans, I want my off day but I don't have a choice right now. I'll just complain in my head and here till I get there, I guess. Once I'm there I'll suck it up cause I know its really not about me. It's not I know it. It's partially tied into the long story from the past and its partly about just not wanting to deal with it.

M and I were talking about going and I've come to add that I also don't want to be in that mourning atmosphere. I hate that my grandmother is in that place right now but I don't want to be there too. As mentioned in that previous post, I don't exactly know what I'm feeling towards R and her death but I know that its not tears and mourning right now. I don't want to do that tomorrow or this weekend and I know being around my grandmother will bring that up. I'll end up in tears with her for her over R and I'm not ready for that either. I just wanted a happy Christmas starting at home after however many years without a real good one. I'm sure my granny wants a happy Christmas too with her sister back which makes me feel like complete trash for being so unhappy about a day or two of discomfort so, no, I wont open my mouth about anything while there but here? I'm not happy about this change and maybe I'm a little unhappy at R for planning her death and every last detail for the last 15 years and then leaving us to pick up after her.

I'm being far too rude and wrong, sorry. Just thought we'd have a better Christmas with a tree this year.

Thinking too much

As I type this, my mom, her sister and my sister are heading to our hometown to comfort their mother. Her sister passed away this morning.

I mentioned her in a previous post. It was said she wouldn't make it through the weekend and here it is Wednesday. She made it through to give up today but I wonder if she was pissed at that one.

She wanted to go this weekend even threw a fit about it. She had been wanting to for years. I asked my mom, like a child, if we would still have Christmas. I'm not thinking about the gifts or the lack of decoration on the tree. I'm not upset about that stuff, not upset at all really, just wondering. She replied that her aunt's funeral wouldn't be this weekend though she had had it set for years. She had her plans, wanted her end, knew how it would work out but it won't be this weekend.

She, R, wasn't the favorite relative for a long while. She was particularly mean at times toward my mother and a few others and so the relationship I've witnessed between the two has always been one of respect and general concern. I wouldn't call it a deep seated love though. There wasn't any of that.

Mom's sister P cried today no doubt going over the memories of all the spoils a younger sibling would have. Mom's older sister A, my aunt in the hospital, hasn't been told due to blood pressure issues. That's enough of a hint for me to connect the dots on the feelings she may have for her aunt.

Obviously my grandmother is mourning the most. I couldn't reach her when I tried earlier. Speaking to her Saturday, there was underlying anger and sadness in her voice when she told me how they last spoke to each other. It wasn't the quiet conversation I imagined it would be. It was a fit. My grandmother has a potty mouth but mostly she had a sister she wanted to keep. She couldn't convince R to change her plans, her heart, her mind, whatever it was that was so set to go.

My mother is content (resolved? Word please?) in R's absence mentioning that its what she wanted. I wonder if P or A will come to that conclusion or if they're left with the thought of betrayal like she should still be here. Like she should still want to live. I know my grandmother is having a hard time in the middle of the two. I hurt for her and the loss of her sister, I refuse to imagine losing mine but I don't yet hurt for me. I'm not too sure what I feel.

I don't feel hurt or sad as much as I expected, I guess. There's a hole now, a face I won't be seeing again, updates that will never happen and a house I may never step foot in again but maybe the knowledge that she chose what she wanted is what makes it a little less painful.

I like when people choose a direction they completely believe in and it just consumes them, focuses them and they just go for it. I usually only see that on this side of life though. She made up her mind years ago, said she was ready, planned it and she let it pull her till the little things here weren't even enough to keep her. Whatever it was in her that wanted to go so deeply finally got that wish.

Maybe its the part of me that likes to choose, to plan and to execute, that can accept how this turned out. I'm ok that she got what she wanted, that she called it out, kept a hold of it and so it was. The other part of me that's here with her grieving sibling and hurt nieces is still on the outs with the whole thing.

I hesitate to use the word selfish as it just isn't right but it does make me wonder about those left on the other side of the big choices, the big goals, dreams, desires. In this case my grandmother and her anger among others. Such a question.

When your goals, etc are so far reaching or just so consuming that others are left in the dust, left to collect the pieces, is it selfish (for lack of a better word) to be the one who wants what life was before or is it selfish to give over wholeheartedly to a goal that satisfies something in only you? Do you ask for forgiveness or are you to hand it out?

I think I'll always wonder why she wanted to go, why she wanted to be next, why there was nothing and no one that could make her stay. Why she made the end her goal.

The funeral will take place right at New Years oddly enough.
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Weekend in Review

Since my mother was under the impression that we were heading to a birth tour, she didn't rush to head out Saturday morning for her surprise peek at Jett. Being the hormonal person that I am, I teared up when it looked like we would be too late.

Quick note:

I always set times for when I want to be out of the house if I'm driving. This Saturday it was 7:45AM at the latest. I make sure every person in the house knows and agrees to this the night before we have to leave. We all need to be in the car at this time. That sounds goofy but honestly, I have my way of doing certain things. The only time this doesn't apply is when I'm sick or plans change. Saturday I may have been a bit under the weather but plans had definitely not changed.

I needed to get there, get through the ultrasound and be ready in time for my mom and sister to meet my aunt for their trip out of town. 

We ended up getting there with just a few minutes to spare. My mom liked her card and was surprised. When we got there she recognized the office like I thought she would and everything.  She was pleasantly surprised.

The lady who started on my 4D ultrasound, kept calling Jett babycakes which was a cute keeper nickname but in the end even she couldn't get my little booger to budge. Turning on my sides, shaking him around, calling his name, nothing. Jett really does have a favorite spot nestled right near the placenta with his fingers in his mouth. My babe likes to wiggle but he is firmly head down and comfortable.

We got to see bits of his face, his profile. We got to see him chewing on his fingers, covering his mouth, smacking his lips and how chubby his cheeks are. My mother thinks he looks like me. My sister thinks he's cute as well. The two even cooed at him which was sweet. We stood in the elevator talking about the pictures till I realized we hadn't pushed any buttons to move. It turned out great.

Since Jett wouldn't move from his corner, I was offered another shot at seeing him on Wednesday. I think I may go for it but I'm not too sure. I did get a peek at him, the price was reduced to make up for it and I do have a DVD of my baby moving around, his beat check and his little smacking lips. I'll think about it for Wednesday. I'm happy I got to see any of him at all. Haven't decided on the name though so I guess that will come at birth!

We had him measured and he looks great. He's right on target with his weight and should be right around 7 pounds when he comes which to me is pretty awesome. Right now he's just about the size my older sister was when she was born at 32 weeks. I'm glad to see he's growing but I wont be fully ok till I know we've passed the early 30's week-wise. 36 is the next goal as that passes when I was born and that pretty much tells me that we'll make it to full term.

The ultrasound went well in all. We went out to breakfast to meet my aunt and I ended up getting permission to stay from Hypnobabies class. Friday night I started having head cold symptoms and by Saturday I was just not feeling it aside from not wanting to get another mama sick who is due in less than two weeks. I went to my sisters graduation, saw family and was able to see my aunt instead.

She's still in the hospital, doing a bit better, but wont be home in time for Christmas.  We hope she's home soon but right now its mostly just making sure she's maintained and keeping up her strength rather than her needing urgent care. Another relative, my mother's aunt, is also in the hospital. We were told she wasn't going to make it the weekend but she doesn't have any problems with that. She's been saying she's next for years and how ready to die she is so I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. Kind of brings up the thought of calling things into existence. Hmm. Don't want her to die but do you wish for someone to live when they don't seem to want to?

So tonight I'm keeping things calm. I had my prenatal this afternoon and finally made my last midwife payment. Jett had the hiccups which are just as cute to hear through a doppler as they are to feel. She thinks we're both growing well and is excited about the birth coming up. She talked about having one other hypnomom birth that was successful so I'm hoping to be her next. She met my doula and they both hit it off so that's promising. My doula came home with me and we went over just about everything that I've missed. Pretty much had a full class in the living room.

Now my nose is stuffed, I'm exhausted and I think I'll be heading to bed sooner than later. Thank God for coupons too. My midwife prefers me to use certain cough drops for my throat and I ended up stocking up on them weeks ago after finding out that I could get them for free. I'm going to go get some pillows, some cough drops and maybe some honey lemon water and try to enjoy the last few hours of my weekend before I head back to work tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Without A Hitch

My mother has been wanting to see Jett again for the longest time.

We had our 20 week scan almost exactly 10 weeks ago tomorrow. It doesn't seem like its been that long but it has been. Recently, she mentioned that she thinks another scan is in order before he's born just to see him again. She considers this his first first Christmas and I think it would be nice for her to see him or to at least have some part of him out here with us.

I haven't told her my plans but tomorrow morning I am surprising her with a 3D/4D peek at him. I've been planning it for the longest time. I needed to find the place, then get permission of sorts, then get there, then get my mother there.You'd think this would be easy and I do admit sometimes I make things a little hard but man, I'm just hoping the appointment goes as planned cause the original plan did not go off without a hitch.

My midwife doesn't usually call for another ultrasound to be done without a problem after 20 weeks. Thank God she hasn't ordered another one and that we have no issues. I was a bit nervous to ask her for another scan just for fun but she seemed fine with it. I originally chose a nice place with a cheap holiday special but after much thought I decided to head back to the woman who first did our scan. Time was set for yesterday at 7:30PM, I was able to leave work at a really good time to head the hour home and my mom was all convinced we were heading to a hospital tour since the last one was so crappy.

I never made it home in time. My tire ended up flat right before I was getting onto the highway and being 7 months pregnant, in the dark, alone I was not able to change it myself. Not because I don't know how to change a tire but because everyone I talked to would tell me not to lift the spare, don't try to change anything, just call someone, to come and do it.

Thank God for a nice boss.

My tire had the tiniest of gashes and wasn't even completely deflated but definitely couldn't get me home. A tow truck got us off the highway and to a gas station for free. So glad for that law. Tire changed, spare on, done and finally on the way home an hour after my appointment time, the ultrasonographer agreed to work with me on timing as long as I was ok and off the road. I was ok, Jett was ok but I didn't have other days. Friday, today, would have been fine as it was my half day of work but they didn't have time left. Tomorrow didn't seem like it was going to work. My sister is graduating in the afternoon and my mom and sister are traveling in the morning with an aunt to get there. I also have my last Hypnobabies class and couldn't miss it. Wednesday, my last option, wouldn't have worked either as I have no vacation time left and would have had to take time off  unpaid to do it. After 32 weeks, it gets to be too hard to get a picture of the baby so I definitely couldn't wait  another week and really didn't want to.

I called my aunt about what time she was leaving in the morning, picking up my mom and sister and heading out of town. At first it wouldn't work out but when I agreed to meet her downtown (the middle of both our houses) and to set the appointment early in the morning she agreed! Saturday was on! Since she's meeting up there it wont look odd that M is getting up and out so early to go to a hospital tour. She wont have a choice but to go even though mom doesn't know she agreed to go a long while ago. It might cost me a bit more than originally planned for but at least it will happen and sooner rather than later too.

So! Let's all pray this goes off without a hitch. Tomorrow morning is the scan. Once we get there mom will recognize the office and I'll give her a card. For Christmas I have a frame that talks about being a grandmother, a little grandmother thing that I can't find the words to describe and a photo album that I'll put copies of other ultrasounds into. She's been to every single one of my scans, loves to talk about what kind of baby he'll be, how she'll love on him, what she wants to be called. I can't imagine that she wouldn't love to see him before he comes. I'll give her that Christmas Eve or whenever it is that we finally decorate the tree.

Aside from praying that everything happens as planned, I'm praying that he looks great and healthy. He moves around and responds like a healthy little thing (has even responded four times when I call his name!) so I'm hoping all is well and that we get some great face shots of him.

I'll post tomorrow night if I can. I've been way too tired lately ( even fell asleep while my charge was on the potty today - not for long, I promise!) so it may come late but hopefully I'll have some shots to show of my Jett and some news of how well it went.

Maybe seeing him will help me finish picking his name.

So far I'm working with Jett _____ Ellington. Either Parker or Huxley will be in the middle but who knows how I'll feel after a peek tomorrow. I may stay just as confused till he's here or I may know exactly which one. I thought I had it chosen weeks and weeks ago but I'm getting close so I'm getting anxious to settle for sure. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see even a hand or a toe.

I'm such a bad friend

I posted a pic of my stomach on facebook from my phone last week. I completely forgot that mobil uploads go to their own folder and cannot go for the one I use specifically for Jett. The one that only certain people can see. I only really add new people to this folder as they find out, ask or as I tell them. I am a private person and popping up pregnant on people's front page thingy is not a preference. I prefer it not be an in your face kind of a thing.

Anyways, she left a comment pretty much saying "whoa you're really pregnant! Where'd that come from? Where have I been? Congrats!" I decided to send her a message as there are people even on my small friends list who are not fully aware of my pre-Jett reproductive life. I replied basically yep, I'm really pregnant. Hasn't really sunk in yet. Here's how it happened (you know the story) and this is when we're due.

The message I woke up to this morning was very sweet of course. Wishing us luck, itching to know Jett's sex. What stuck out to me was her thought that she wasn't a good friend for not knowing when in reality I think the blame is more my own. Maybe I'm the bad friend for not making it known. She and I were really good friends in college taking various dance classes, going to campus events and other places. We have always kept in touch. Getting sick changed things.

Being pregnant is not my secret. Yes, I'm private but it hasn't been beyond the weeks of making sure Jett and I were settled. Now I'm fine with it in the open, don't mind if people know about his Ahjussi, and am to the point where I'll gladly cut out anyone who is not good for us, downs our choices, blah blah etc. You get my point. I'm fine explaining everything related to Jett.

The part that I keep quiet is more so what led me to this decision to have Jett sooner than later. Endometriosis. It's not so much a secret as it is something that I have a hard time explaining. I still can't wrap my head around it or the thought of going back to it. The question that my friend asked in her reply was "it's not life threatening, is it?" and no it's not but its definitely life changing.

Part of me prefers not to mention it cause I'm just not good at explaining it or talking about it in a personal sense. I can talk about in general but applying it to myself, claiming it is still tough. On top of that I'm trying more and more to be positive about life in general so being asked about a disease and how it's working in my body brings me back to the thoughts of before. How am I going to cope? Am I going to have to go back to therapy because I'll be so depressed that I wont want to get off the couch like before? What if this disease comes back to ruin my time as a mother and I can never pick myself up again?

I find myself wanting to stay in this little world that I've built for myself. It's not completely devoid of Endometriosis. I don't think any part of my life will ever be again but it is much easier to not have an alarm set on my phone to remind me to take my pill every night for fear of forgetting and having the worst weeks ever because of it. I don't have to think of which pain pills could help me make it through the night even though I know I have yet to get one of those but the others are still taking up space in my house. I don't have to plan for my monthly Dr visit to hear that nothing has changed or worse, that nothing hasn't gotten better. There's more but these are the main thoughts that I keep myself away from.

As the last few months of pregnancy approach, I find myself closer to terrified than I have ever been. I've heard that it can get better or it can get worse. There's no way to know which one I will get so honestly, I just want to avoid the thought of either option. Too good to be true or a nightmare. No thank you. I'll just stick with being pregnant and oblivious for now, thank you.

Getting pregnant as I did, on that one shot, made it easier for me to pretend that some things weren't wrong. Not using pads, not feeling like I'm always about to start, not cramping constantly makes it even easier to pretend but answering that one question, why did you get pregnant, takes it all back down to the fears, the sadness and the uncertainty that I'm not yet over. That's what I was facing. Is it over with? No, it probably wont ever be. I can explain Jett, I can handle people wanting to know exactly what was used to get the sperm in, how much it cost, what I plan to do as far as Jett meeting the donor. I can handle that but I've yet to be able to truly handle the question of Endo and the life we have together after this. I thought I was on top of it but facing it all over again and so soon, takes me back quite a bit and starts me over again. Because of that, I guess I've given myself permission to gloss over it this little bit of time.

So no, she's not a bad friend but I'm working on my end.

And just like that...

The third trimester has hit.

I feel like I've said this all before but it's really evident today how much things are changing.

I had the oddest dream. It reminds me of when I was back in my early trimester fighting with the alarm clock. I'll link to that one in a bit in case no one else remembers how embarrassing that was.

In this dream I was heading in for my last ultrasound to check on Jett and to double check Jett's sex. Sounds about right. I have an appointment set up to do just that.

Well instead of just looking, we took Jett out and Jett also had two brothers come out too. We rubbed them off, confirmed their sex, cooed and kissed all over them. I even got to compare one's goofy ways to my cynical, goofy younger sister M. It was so real that by the end I was cringing with the thought of having to put them all back in. Thank God I woke up just in time!

Jett was calm when I did wake up but I ruined it by placing my hand on my tummy to check where baby was. Jett started kicking way too close to my ribs and wouldn't calm down! Now I'm way to nervous about sleeping on my side tonight. Its the only time Jett adjusts and puts his feet up there. I thought the near nightly indigestion was enough to keep me up. Its looking like rib pain is going to be in my near future. Painful.

I found myself so hungry this morning at work but was not able to find the room to finish it all. I'd like to say I was smart enough to stop trying for a while but I wasn't and I'm still feeling it hours later. I get it now though. There is no space left for even a medium sized breakfast no matter how hungry I may feel.

The walk I took in the store was enough to do me in. I wanted to stop and sit for a long while. I get winded easier and I am huge, at least that's what a cousin or three said when they saw my 28w/6d picture on Wednesday. My belly button is clearly visible and has yet to show signs of hibernation like usually. I'm seriously waiting for it to pull itself back in before I get home and get poked in it.

K, my older sister, likes to poke so he moves for her. It's only happened once and yet she keeps trying. M likes to poke as if its a foreign object (when he moves, she gets up and moves) and my mother likes to poke cause she says my stomach is tight looking. House full of pokers.

Besides finding myself going back through the previous trimester issues (dreams, food issues, nausea sometimes, exhaustion) I'm ok. Not in bad a shape to really complain honestly.

My aunt is back in the ICU today and I'm waiting to hear back about her emergency surgery. Her spleen ruptured causing internal bleeding so we're praying. I'd like to soon be able to say she's in not too bad a shape to complain as well but till then we're praying. I'd take a few billion odd dreams, rib kicks and tiny meals if that could cover recent events. For her, for Paige, for Greyson.

I'm ok though. I may soon find myself drowning in the to do lists I've been writing but for now we're just hanging back and waiting for my computer to get fixed.

Have a good weekend, friends.
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At a loss

I'm still a bit at a loss with Paige's news and till now I hadn't really figured out how I wanted to proceed. There's no way in the world that I can go on without again expressing how completely saddened I am by this turn of events. I can only continue to pray for Paige and her sweet boy, her sweet pea.

  I wrote a post and saved it via email this weekend but never got back to it after the news. To be honest, I'm not sure I'll post it just yet. It's nothing big at all, talks about some more traditions and thoughts on the holidays but what has taken its place in my mind is in a different direction.

I've been wondering 'how?' so much this week. Whenever my thoughts shift back to her and her sweet boy I wonder how. Not how did it happen but how does it just happen that way. How in the world does it just happen that way?

I don't know. I don't know how to say what I really want to say and I guess until I do have the words that I think this thought is worth, I'll just leave it here. I want to figure out how it is that some of us deal with such loss and some of us don't. I can't figure out how that's fair and there really isn't a way to figure it out but I can't help that my brain is struggling to do that right now. I wish that I had the answers to this.

  We've all experienced death in one way or another but a mother's loss, I've never. I'd never choose it for myself and I certainly wouldn't have chosen it for Paige or for others. I can't even imagine that loss. But that's just it, right? That's the part of the how that I just can't figure out. How does it just happen this way? How can it?

Still I don't know the answer but I do know that I'm sorry. I really hate that Paige is going through this. I really hurt for her. If I knew how or why things happen like this, she'd know it.

Please pray for Paige

Not too long ago, I mentioned a blog award and one person I passed it on to was Paige.

Right now Paige (http://theturningofpaige.blogspot.com/) is going through a very hard time that all the words in the world can't fix but if you could please send a prayer up, a thought, positive energy, any and everything you have, her way, I'm sure it would be appreciated.

I'm honestly without words and cannot begin to express how much my heart aches at her loss.

Paige, I'm praying for you. I don't understand this and I know nothing I say will help but I'm here for you. Please know that you will remain in my thoughts.
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No question about it

 My baby can make it on the outside!

I've already celebrated my V day (viability day) at 24 weeks but this is the real big one. Just about everyone can agree that my Jett can make it on the outside starting today. We're finally 28 weeks.

Getting passed these weeks are a big deal to me and I'm sure I'll mention every single milestone. My mother has three daughters and each one of us was premature. Each of us was born a few weeks later than the previous one but we were all early and spent considerable time in the NICU. I worry. I think I always will.

My mother once described her pain much like I do with my Endo. She knows what its like to not be able to walk upright, to have to breathe through it, to just deal. She never went through surgery or any procedures to be sure of what she was dealing with (she dealt with a lot of other things too) but eventually I remember hearing her thank God for aging out of having periods.

She never was given a reason for why we were early, was never told anything helpful. Sharing the experience of possible Endometriosis worries me so yeah, I worry about Jetty in return. I get far more upset than I should when I'm told that I wont reach my due date, or when I'm told that I'm small even though I know Jett is growing. It worries me still.

I'll remain positive though. 28 weeks is a milestone. Next up 30, maybe 32, 37, and hopefully 40 but hey, I'll be happy with 37 just like I'm very happy with 28.